20 Questions to Ask BEFORE You Get Married

Photo Credit: Roger Kirby

Years ago we read the below list from Oprah outlining 20 questions you and your partner should ask before tying the proverbial knot. We are not big Opah fans (don’t shoot us, please) but we think the questions, written by author Susan Piver, are a good starting point. Not everything can be planned but these 20 talking points will give you a good idea if the two of you have compatible ideas about life.

Of course, we think question 19 should be addressed before anything and question 20 could be a moot point based on 19's answer (go ahead, scroll down and read them). Agree? A relationship built upon two different foundations, whatever they are, will find it hard to be steady. Also, questions 9 and 10 should definitely be addressed after you are Mister and Misses "So-and-So" if you want to fully honor God with your relationship.

Believe us, the answers to the questions are not so obvious. At least 18 of these (if not all of them) will come up as a point of contention at some point during your marriage. We personally do not know of any marriage that hasn’t dealt with question 1 through question 20. In our eight years of marriage, we sure have!

20 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

Question 1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question 2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Question 3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Question 4: What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means and through what efforts?

Question 5: What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Question 6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Question 7: If one of us doesn't want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

Question 8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other's level of ambition?

Question 9: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question 10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question 11: Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Question 12: Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question 13: What place does the other's family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question 14: If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Question 15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question 16: How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Question 17: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Question 18: What are my partner's needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question 19: Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Question 20: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other's choices?


Have you dealt with these issues in your marriage? If you are not married, do you think these are good questions to ask before doing so? What questions would you add? Leave a comment below!

I Love My Wife!

I know I love my wife!!!

My wife and children are away on a holiday vacation. Life is different when they are not around. We just moved to a new place and it is kind of weird being home alone. This house makes all kinds of sounds, most of which cannot be identified. It is not that I'm not scared, nope, no fear over here--I am just making an observation!

I received a phone call from a good friend of mine today. He and I love to rip on our wives about how big of suckers they are for marrying us. I made him laugh because I told him what I have been eating for dinner the past few days since my wife is not around. My meals consist of leftovers, more leftovers, Digiorno’s pizza, and oatmeal and cereal. I have no idea what I am going to be eating tonight. I told him that I
do not eat well when my wife is out of town. He said that I should at least know how to cook some hot dogs or some spaghetti.

Truth is, I do know how to cook. I am self-sufficient. I have just been blessed by God to have an amazing wife. She provides for me in more ways than I can count. I told my friend that my wife would be home in a few days, so I am holding out until she comes. If for some reason I get sick of what I’m eating, I’ll have to strap on that apron and get busy.

My wife’s absence is a blessing. Although I really miss her while she’s a away, her absence allows me to realize how much our lives have become one. These times help me to understand how I love, miss and need her in my life.

Annjenette Mabon, if I have not shown you the love, respect, patience and support that you need, I apologize. I want to say from here on, we will avoid those valleys, but we are human; rough times are inevitable. What I can say is that this time alone has allowed me to put the right things in perspective: God, you, my kids and then whatever else.

5 Ways To Make Him Fall In Love

HAPPILY WED WEDNESDAYS

Relationships are difficult as I'm sure most of you will agree. The funny thing is, they don't have to be as complicated as they often become. There are simple things that can be done to strengthen relationships in the beginning. I hope that you take to heart what I'm saying because it's coming from a person who has been married for seven years and has been through almost everything a relationship can go through. Although I'm married, I dated a lot of women before my wife and I tied the knot, and I've been very observant of my relatives and friends' relational mistakes. In this post I'm focusing on what women can do to have a better experience in their existing or future relationship. I hope this is not taken out of context and not offensive to anyone. Believe it or not, I'm an advocate for women in most aspects of life. Well here it goes, leave a comment and let me know what you think.

1. Share Activities

Women, it’s very common for you all to call your girlfriends and do different activities. I'm sure those activities are better done with a companion and I'm sure they allow you and whoever is accompanying you to grow closer. Instead of reaching out to one of your closest ladies, try reaching out to your man. Give him the opportunity to experience different things that you've reserved for your friends. Of course he might not want to go shopping for hours upon hours but he might enjoy doing other things such as: cooking a gourmet meal together, going to the gym and working out, or even working on a fix-it-yourself project together. Get creative. Try to do something that's not so cliché. If you can’t think of anything new and he is not interested, give him the option of saying “no” to your proposal without getting mad. You two may not be interested in all of the same things so be open to stepping outside of what may be normal for you in order to spend time together. Trust me he won’t forget how you are willing to do things that you don’t necessarily like just to be with him.

2. Support Him

Stroke your man’s ego! Now I don’t mean for you to praise him as if he was a god, but give him that reassurance that you’re on his team. Men can be just as insecure as women. The same way you would go out of your way to make your girlfriend feel better about herself, you should do it for him. Compliment him as you would want him to compliment you. The little things that he might (should) do that make you feel all tingly inside will make him feel good about himself. You will notice an increase of confidence (as opposed to cockiness).

3. Let Him Be Himself

Most women try to change the man they're dating. If you have to change him you can never utter the words “I love you for who you are” because that would be a bunch of bologna. This is a tough one that may call for a difficult decision to be made--if you have to change someone in order for them to fit into your life, that person probably doesn't need to be in your life. Accept your man for who he is. Don't pray that God will change him but that He will change you; helping you to soften your heart towards what you deem to be "faults."

4. Talk To Him

Women rarely expect their friends to know what they’re thinking. Instead, they share their thoughts, hopes, and dreams. With everything that women share with their friends they should be able to pinpoint which of their friends are actually looking out for their best interest. That’s just not the case with your mate. In the beginning you try to hold back from sharing too much information. Throughout the relationship you expect him to know everything, and cut him little slack when he doesn’t respond and do what you may have expected. Women often expect their men to know where they want to go on a special date or to pick up the hints about a particular gift . If these things fall through, all hell breaks loose. Good communication is vital for a successful relationship. Although body language and gesturing is a part of communicating, what’s wrong with just verbalizing your thoughts to be sure everyone’s on the same page?

5. Give Him His and Take Your "Me Time"

Our friends disappear at times. We can go days, weeks, even a month without talking to our friends because life gets in the way. After the random amount of time passes we cross paths and continue where we left off. The relationship experience is not strained, there’s no love lost. Why is this different with your spouse/boyfriend? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect you to go weeks or a month with interacting with your mate. But does the relationship status mean that you no longer need time apart? A lot of men don’t commit because that title creates logical expectations as well as far-fetched ones. If you are the type of woman that doesn’t like to do the things your man likes to do for fun, then you especially need to give him some ME time. All men have an inner boy that needs time to play. Let us!
If you can do these simple but often times challenging things, I’m confident that your man will value the relationship more than he previously may have. Good luck and I hope you give this list strong consideration whether you believe it or not. Try it! What else do you have to lose? I can definitely tell you that he won’t like you less!

Are there any other things that you have found helpful in improving your relationship?

100 Life Goals

A few weeks ago, we talked about creating goals with your spouse. We gave a list of seven steps to do so here. We are now posting our goals for two reasons: 

1) To help you with ideas 

2) So that the whole world (or the six people who read our posts) can hold us accountable!

Some of these may make no sense to you but that is okay...your goals probably wouldn't make sense to us either! The point is not to make sense to everyone else but to put your goals down on paper (or virtual paper).

The title for this post is "100 Life Goals" but I am not even sure how many goals we have here--could be more, might be less. Okay, here we go:

Joint Life Goals

Updated 2/1/2012

Learning
Learn Spanish, be conversational by December 2012
Started 2011 Learn more about blogging, creating community and monetization
Learn to play piano Removed

Giving
Raise $1,000,000 for a cause we believe in
Do at least two community service/outreach projects per month
Buy a private jet, use it to help needy people in the world Removed
Give 10 percent of our income to forward God's kingdom

Finances
Be debt free by 2016
Be mortgage-free homeowners by 2015

Buy Truth a house

Buy Serenity a house

Buy a vacation home
Sell shirts, books, art at a booth and online by August 2013
Buy Wil a motorcycle (Anji doesn't totally agree with this goal!)

Influence
Win 100 souls or more to Christ
Mentor 100 or more teens
Create and sell inspirational t-shirts by December 2012
Have a dynamic Bible study on blog by June 2012
Have 100,000 visitors on blog per month by 2012
Started 2011 Host a Bible study at home
Write a book about marriage/family
Have 100,000 Facebook fans by December 2013
Start a high school Removed
Start a foundation for stroke victims

Travel
Go to Texas in 2012
Go to New York
Go to Bahamas
Go to Panama
Go to Costa Rica
Go to Egypt
Go to Greece
Go to Montana
Go to Hawaii
Go to Dubai
Go on a mission trip
Visit all major US cities

Family
Have a date night once every week
Have a family day once every week
Renew our vows in 2013 Removed
Be married for 70+ years
Get $1,000,000 in life insurance each
Go somewhere once every year that requires getting dressed up
Have two more kids (if we can afford to) Removed!!
Look into adoption
Take family photos every year
Have a garden that we can eat from
Raise God-fearing children

Friends
Go on a couples/family trip every year

Wil's Individual Goals

Learning
Play the piano
Learn web development languages (HTML/PHP/CSS)
Learn video editing/production
Learn to swim
Intern for a clothing line Removed
Learn to play the bass guitar Removed
Learn to fix cars
Take a class to improve my writing Removed
Learn enough about carpentry to fix most of the things in my house
Learn to roller skate like a pro Removed

Influence
Be a public speaker (talk about God and life success)
Write an autobiography
Have 100,000 Twitter followers Removed
Direct/produce my own short film

Family
Finish video of Truth and Serenity by 2014

Physical
Have a six pack by June 2012
Eliminate all fast food

Anji's Individual Goals

Learning
Do all of the Bible study techniques discussed in How to Study the Bible for Yourself
Take an acting class Removed
Read seven (or more) books every year
Learn graphic design on YouTube Removed
Take three cooking classes every year Removed
Take community ed art classes
Learn to play the harp Removed
Take a self defense class
Take Religious Studies course
Jesus taught me in Luke 11 Learn to REALLY pray

Influence
Write 25 children's books
Sell 1,000,000 copies of the books
Have books turned into cartoon, movies, and/or toys
Write a novel (from red idea notebook)
Start an internship program for homeschoolers by 2017 Removed
Help start a non-profit Christian dance school
Mentor a pre-teen or teenage girl
Win family members to Christ

Giving
Done in 2011--not for the last time, though! Serve at a soup kitchen
Done in 2011--not for the last time, though!Volunteer for an organization that serves women and children

Physical
Exercise for 60 minutes one time; 30 minutes three times; 15 minutes two times per week
Done Cut fried food out of my diet
Eat fish once every week
Run a race
Live independently until I die (no nursing home)
Live to see my great grand children

Family
Run a race with my daughters
Create a photo book for each child every year

Friends
Have a girls night at least four times per year
Make non-Christian friends in Atlanta

Home School
Home school our children up to (and possibly through) high school
Teach our children Spanish
Teach my daughters how to swim
Do an art project with Truth once per week
Do Financial Peace Jr with our children
Study Latin
Complete My Father's World curriculum
Get girls involved in homeschool internship/apprenticeship program
Teach children to draw realistically

Personal Growth
Lessen (if not disregard completely) the importance of what other people think
Be happy with what I see in the mirror

7 Steps to Creating Life Goals With Your Spouse

Happily Wedded Wednesdays

We attend Courageous Church in Atlanta. Right now, we are at the end of a four-part series called 100 Life Goals. My husband’s and my respective lists thus far have been our own individual goals. We started thinking in the last few days, “Hey, we are kind of going to be doing this marriage thing for a long time. Maybe we should have goals together.”

People definitely need to have their own, personal goals because outside of our spouses, we are still individuals. As a couple, though, it will strengthen your relationship to have goals together; this will give you a focus--a purpose.

7  Steps to Accomplish Your Goals

I adapted this process from what we are learning at church, which is from a handbook authored by Mark Batterson. It is very simple but not necessarily easy—there are only a few steps but it will take some time and effort to work through the steps. With your spouse, follow these steps:

1.    Pray: Ask God to reveal how you can use the talents He has given you. Pray that you are not confined by the limits you have placed on yourself. Some of your goals should be so crazy that you can only accomplish them if God strengthens you!

Pray and think big!

2.    Know why: Are you going after your goals for the right reasons? Are you motivated by money? Are you hoping to honor God, looking to make a difference in the world, be happy, or maximize your potential? As you are putting your list together, know why you want to accomplish each goal.

3.    Use other people: It can be hard to come up with a long list of goals for your whole life. If you read things that other people aspire to, it can remind you of things that you once dreamed. You can also copy other people’s goals! It may seem weird but it is perfectly fine. We will post our goals in the weeks to come. You can also do a search online for “100 Life Goals” to get some good ideas.

4.    Categorize: Thinking in terms of categories can make it easier to generate your list. Categorizing will add variety to your lists and, in turn, your life! The categories we will use for our marriage are: travel, influence, charity, experience, and finances. For our individual lists, we will use additional categories like physical goals and skills goals.

As much as possible, try to include others (children, friends, strangers) in your goals. It’s more fun to take other people along for the journey.

5.    Be specific: You cannot simply say “We want to travel” or “We want to win people to Christ.” Set dates or ages and make the goals quantifiable. For example, “We want to go to Greece by the time we are 31” or “We want to mentor 12 people every year and see them accept Jesus” are better, more measurable goals.

Be sure to make long-term goals—10, 20, even 50 years in the future! What you do today or tomorrow can and will shape how your life will be when you are old and gray.

6.    Write it all down: Keep a goal journal, create a long checklist, make a copy on your computer, start a blog—however you want to do it, just make sure that the goals are not just in your brain. As you begin putting everything on paper, you may realize that to achieve one goal you need learn a new skill. Gaining this skill then becomes another goal.

I learned a new term recently: “structural tension.” Structural tension is the energy that is created to move you from your current reality to wherever you have your sights set. Writing your goals down creates this tension in the brain, which will help you to achieve your goals.

Making a vision board is good way to keep your goals top-of-the-mind.

7.    Do it! Now is the time when the rubber hits the road (cliché but true) and you put everything into action. Celebrate your victories along the way and never stop dreaming! Revise your goals as needed.

Recommendations

Put the marriage first. Originally, I thought that a person should create his or her individual goals first and make common marriage goals second. Now I think it is important that husbands and wives make sure they come to an agreement about the direction of their life before individual lists are created. So, after you make a list as a couple, get away by yourself and continue a goal list for yourself.

Compare notes and make sure your goals are not at each others throats. Your individual goals should never contradict. It would be pretty bad, for example, if one of your goals is to home school your daughter for high school and your spouse aspires to save enough money to send her to the most prestigious high school in your state.

Talk through your lists. See if you can compromise in any way.

Do you already have a list of goals? What are some additional steps you took?

We would love to hear about your process as you are taking the steps above! Leave a comment or send us a message!

Husbands Need to Submit!

Happily Wedded Wednesdays

“Well, the bible says, ‘Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands,’’ is how I used to respond any time I attempted to throw my weight around and get my wife to do what I wanted her to do. At the time, neither of us was really reading the bible so my wife couldn’t rebut with any biblical passages. If she only knew that the next verse (Colossians 3:19) read, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them,” I envision the arguments proceeding very differently.

Over the past year or so I have found that the best way to get your wife to submit to you (some women don’t like the word “submit” but, hey, it’s biblical and it really means to accept something or to be agreeable) is to be in constant submission to God. If a woman feels that a man is forcing her into something just for the sake of doing it, she will either fight back or quietly go along with his demands but secretly resent him, which will definitely lead to future problems.

But how do you make sure you’re always in line with God’s will and submit to it? If you feel that you are submitting to God, how can you get your wife to submit? These are my suggestions:

5 Reasons Why You Should Have a Joint Checking Account!

Happily Wedded Wednesdays

Once upon a time I was a shop-aholic. I bought clothes, shoes, purses, and accessories and then hid them! The first time I would sport said item, Wil would ask me when I got it and I would reply, "Wow. I've had this for a long time. You really never notice anything about me!" Horrible.

Those were the days before we had a joint checking account.

We recently completed Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. He highly recommends having a joint checking account and so do we.

The Great Things About Joint Checking

1. You have to communicate: Good communication is vital in any marriage. Disputes about money is one of the top causes of divorce. If you are able to effectively talk about your finances, your marriage will be healthier and you will be better equipped to communicate about anything.
2. It forces you to be disciplined: If you and your spouse agree that you will each get to spend $25 per week on whatever you want, you can't decide that you will spend more because a sweater at Macy's is on sale for $49.99. You may have to deny yourself sometimes but it will be for a great purpose: more discipline in your finances (which will spill into other areas of your life) and a more trusting marriage, which leads to my next point..
3. You will trust each other more: If your whole paycheck is going into an account that you share with someone else, one of two things will happen: you will either learn to trust your co-account holder beyond all imagination OR you will get ripped off. Let's be optimistic, shall we? You will not get ripped off.
4. You can actually get your money in order: You and your spouse are ONE. Well, you're supposed to be. You are one household. Why not operate your finances as if you were one household? It is so much easier to get all the money in order and move forward with saving, paying bills, etc when there is only one checking account to worry about.
5. No  more "I'll pay you back ...": Again, you are ONE! How can you pay yourself back?! It makes me laugh when I hear couples saying, "She stills owes me $75 from when I paid for her cell phone," or, "He owes me $50 for the water bill." You are one. Act like it!

The Not-So-Great Things About Joint Checking

1. You can't go on shopping binges, hide your treasures, then accuse your spouse of never paying attention to you.

Do you and your spouse share a checking account? Why or why not? Have you found a joint account helpful in your marriage? Or are you apprehensive about combining your money?

6 Steps to Get Your Spouse to Wash the Dishes (or do any "chore")Properly

My husband, Wil, and I have been married for a little over seven years. We have had a constant battle about our home’s cleanliness. Our (my) main issue has been the dishes. Why couldn’t Wil figure it out? I was only asking him to follow “Anji’s 49 Steps to Dish Care”! As crazy as that title sounds, so were my expectations. Some people, usually men, are just not wired for housework. No matter how hard they try, the dining room, living room, bedroom (heck, pick a room) will never really be “show floor ready.”

Lately, we’ve been really focusing on “the big picture.” When we look at what God has called us to do on this earth (be fishers of men, love your neighbor as yourself, etc), will the fact that a piece of hardened oatmeal was stuck on the bowl matter? Of course it won’t bother God but should you be troubled by it? No.

As we have matured, had children, grown in our relationship with Christ and, oh yeah, almost divorced twice, we have both learned to accept many of what we consider to be the other’s faults and short comings. I have realized that more important than if the dishes are stacked right: are they clean? Can we eat off of them? If not (if he missed a spot), can it be easily cleaned so I can feed this child who is buckling over in near starvation?!

If you still really want to know how to get your spouse to perform house work properly, here is what I did:

Men No Longer Required in Child Rearing

Wil "kindly suggested" that I give up reading gossip magazines—electronic or otherwise. I had a bit of a withdrawal at first but now I am so glad that I rid my life of the “He-slept-with-the-waitress-who-mothered-eight-children-after-her-daddy-paid-for-her-butt-implants” controversies. My life is actually so much more easy-going and stress free. Amazing but true.

Today, as I was checking out at the grocery store I was looking at on of the magazines. A big name female celebrity apparently said, “I don’t need a man to be a mom.” Really? I was under some crazy impression that that is how it works. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love and marry. Girl wants to be a mom. Boy impregnates girl. The boy is no longer needed in the equation? Interesting.

Obviously, the star was not implying that she found some sperm-free way to make a baby. She was, however, saying that she can find her own way to have a baby whether it be the old-fashioned way, in a test tube, or by adopting AND she can raise the child on her own—without a man to father it.

Our society is going in the totally wrong direction! Men are so pivotal in the upbringing of children. I am a mother and I love my children but no amount of my love can make up for them having a father. A woman cannot properly play the role of a man. I am not, in any way, trying to discount the work of many single mothers out there. No matter how I slice and dice it, though, no matter how strong the woman is, a woman is just not a substitute for man!

A man is the head of the household. Period. That is the way God intended it and that is the way it should be. Any deviation away from this standard causes havoc in homes and, in turn, our world.

What do you think?